words without action are meaningless.

My entire life, I have been a traveler. I was the child that couldn't wait to leave my town, state, even country. While others were home sick, I was soaking up every moment I had away from "normal life". I still have this mentality. I love to see new things, experience knew people and be apart of something that is not my norm. However, I am realizing today that I runaway. I runaway from life's issues, and I think if I change my circumstances or my geographic that somehow when I return, things will have changed, I will have changed. I look for experiences to change me. And while I am not saying that experiences can't change you. I am realizing that I try to address everything in my life besides the problem. I attempt to go around the mountain to avoid a treacherous hike. a painful recovery. "no pain, no gain". But without pain there is no victory. You can not have one without the other. And I believe until you feel your pain and let it go, you will not have victory. I have this tendency to hold on to pain, hurt, betrayal. Why? Because, it is something that I have power over. I have power over my anger and resentment and if I let that go, I become powerless. I also believe that freedom does not come without humility or freedom does not come without powerlessness. My freedom and victory will come from me letting go of my pride and letting the blood of Christ wash away my sin. Is it not so easy to say wash away my sin with your blood. I am tired of saying it. I want to believe it. I want to live it. I am tired of my words, of my unfulfilled promises that I make to God, others and myself. What good are words to the rebellious heart. I want to live in repentance. To walk in spirit filled obedience and submission to God.

but then again...these are just words.

life...

The life of LA is a draining, stressful process. I am here because I have to be. Because this is what I am called to do right now, at this present moment. I understand now why so many actors leave this town everyday. It gets so unbearable to strive for success in the entertainment industry. I don't know how people do it without the Lord in there life and can understand why they turn to drugs, sex and alcohol. They are searching for something satisfying when everything else seems like it is falling apart. Few learn there is only One who satisfies our hunger and thirst for pleasure. I am going home next month and am so happy to go! I miss my family so much! I don't think I have ever missed them this much or have been more thankful for them in my life ever! I would not be here in LA, if not for my family walking beside me and believing in what seems impossible for me to achieve. I am ready for a refreshing break with the ones I love and not having to pay to park is a major bonus! :)

living wide awake,
Nikki

Quick Update:

Still filming on HUGE in the background
About to film a feature film this month
Shooting another film this summer
Joined a Union: AFTRA

living wide awake,

Nikki

HUGE

I haven't written in ages. I guess you could say I have been busy. As we speak I am exhausted and am dreading the event of getting up and brushing my teeth. I even thought about not writing, but I have been putting it off for so long.

I got a call from casting asking me to work on a new t.v. series "Huge" for ABC Family. It is only as an extra in the background, but I get paid for it. I am hoping for a line, actually I am hoping for a series regular character.

It's funny to me sometimes how God tells me things and I believe Him. He told me I was going to be on this show about a month ago. I hadn't received a call from them in so long, but somehow I still believed He was going to get me on and He did. Not the way I wanted Him to, but He was still faithful, as always. He can't go against Himself.

The Holy Spirit reminded me today that we are all instruments of worship. We were created to worship. It boggles my mind that just existing and abiding is worship to God. That I don't have to do anything. Just being consumed by the Spirit is worship. That I am worshiping God while I brush my teeth, take a nap, browse facebook ;-) whatever it is, because of the Holy Spirit inside of us we are instruments of worship that never stop speaking His name, our very breathe speaks out His name. wow. I feel like I am still a baby. Oh, that God would trust me to reach in and seek out the deepest parts of His heart.

P.S. check out "Huge" on June 28th at 9:00pm and see if I am in the background. :)

living in the light of Christ

I have no idea what is going on in my life right now, and I am okay with that. Which is very weird for me. I like to be in control of everything in my life. I worry so much about life and what is right and what is wrong. Should I do this or should I do that. Should I go here or should I go there. I think so much about what I should do so much that I end up doing nothing. I am learning to just do it! Just let go of the past, let go of your fears and insecurities and be who you know you are. I live with a bunch of people that I care about very much, however they do not believe the same things I do, nor do we have the same convictions. However, despite the circumstances I have been placed in, my convictions stand the same. I had this fear that if I did this or did that or hung out with these types of people, I would forget where I came from and forget who the glory and honor belongs to. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much the Holy Spirit was evident in my life. For example, I went to a superbowl party at a bar and people were apologizing when they cursed around me and I had said nothing of my belief in God. It made me realize how much of a light one follower of Christ can be. Actions really are more powerful than words. Please, do not take this as me being self-righteous, I make mistakes daily and in no way am I perfect. I am a sinner, becoming sanctified in Christ.

I hope you are encouraged by this. I think so many times people think they sin and God is disappointed in us and doesn't want to talk to us. That is untrue. We do something wrong and he disciplines us in a way that is beneficial for our growth and His glory. He accepts us just as we are and knows we will fall. He is there to keep it from happening more often than not. Our struggle with the flesh is a daily battle and He knows that.

I don't know what I am saying anymore. this is the end.

living wide awake.
Nikki

Chatue Marmont

Alot has happened this past month or so. I got a knew roommate and made a few friends with the new peeps at the school. I decided to stay at the school for another few months and I met Marion Cotillard. So all in all, I can't really complain. The job search is still a struggle, but I am working on it, but not hard enough obviously. I think I am fearful of not accomplishing my goal of acting if I get a "day job". I have sent out headshots to a few agencies and casting directors for different tv/film roles and have heard nothing back. Which I expected. I got more headshots and am going to be sending more out soon. It is difficult and discouraging, but its worth it to me at the end of the day. I love acting, I can't quit. That's just not an option. I am so thankful for my family who have been so supportive in helping me. I wouldn't be here in LA if it weren't for them. I think, meeting Marion Cotillard after the night of Golden Globes gave me so much excitement and inspiration to just do it. To just put myself out there and do whatever it takes. It was a boost of confidence that I needed to get past a few fears. I truely believe becoming a successful working actor is all about opportunity and sacrifice. In the beginning actors have to make alot of sacrifices to get the oppurtunities they need. Which, I think is what alot of success is. I don't think I have ever met anyone who gained success without sacrifice. As people we don't know what we are getting until we have never had it.

I did a video audition for a role on abc family and I really want it! I know I could do it and I would really appreciate your prayers. Everything happens for a reason and I know God has my life plan in mind.

Anyway...

living wide awake,
Nikki