bye bye baby

I said goodbye to the baby girl I nanny. That was hard for me. This whole process is beginning to become emotionally very sad. I feel as though it is all come by so fast. I am not doing well with saying goodbye and I used to be so good at them. I used to be so emotionally unattached, I would have to make myself cry in order for people to see that I really do care for them. I have made few, but deep relationships this time around and I am sad to let them go. If you know me, you know I don't do well with shallow relationships, they make me feel awkward and uncomfortable which is usually the opposite for most. Anyway, I am getting a little bit of cold feet. My emotions are screaming to stay and get a regular 9 to 5 job so I can live on my own and start a life here, but my soul is telling me otherwise. It's true how our emotions crowd our judgment. Our emotions can keep us from making decisions that would change our lives for the better. I am more of a do what you feel type woman, but sometimes reason out weighs feelings. Most would probably think opposite in my case, that it is wise to stay and crazy to go. Brendan Francis said "Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us through them." My fear is tissue paper thin and I know this step to GO is courageous and WILL carry me through as I trust in God completely. Don't let your feelings and emotion crowd your judgment. Fear was not meant to be lived with but overcome. Whatever it is you might be going through, keep going, trust in God and you will OVERCOME! We were not created to survive, but to conquer!

YOU ARE A CONQUEROR!

Remember.... "Courage is rarely reckless or foolish...courage usually involves a highly realistic estimate of the odds that must be faced." - Margaret Truman, daughter of President Harry Truman

living wide awake,
Nikki

act. dance. trust

I sent in my application into the Hollywood Film and Acting Academy today. I am hoping all goes well and I am able to enroll. I trust the Lord to work it all out in His way and His timing. This may sound weird to some, but I was talking with Him today and I felt Him tell me that wherever I choose to go, He will be there by my side.

I take ballroom dance lessons at Arthur Murray Dance Studio, I have been attending since early summer and I love it. Not only learning, but the instructors. I have learned so much from them, and not just about dancing. Respect for my body and for the opposite sex. Trust! That word keeps coming back into my life. Its so important and so vital in relationships, not just for them, but for you! It causes us to be vulnerable, which some would see as weak, but somehow when we put our trust in God or someone we love, we become so much stronger in all areas of our lives. Even if our trust is broken, it is through it that we became stronger. Is this making sense?

Anyway, maybe a challenge for you this week is to put your trust in someone. Maybe its your spouse, friend, God, whoever.

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” - Walter Anderson

DANG! THAT'S DEEP! :)

living wide awake,
Nikki

learn.dance.laugh

This weekend was great! Much needed discipleship and fellowship with others. I started the weekend off with going to a Womens Conference called "Deeper Still" with Beth Moore , Kay Arthur and Priscilla Shirer. I have been to several conferences (at least 3 a year) and have heard hundreds of Christian Speaker and this was by far the best one I have been too. These women knew the truth and spoke of it boldly. I could go on forever about what they talked about, so I will just tell you one thing I learned from each of them. Kay Arthur spoke from Hebrews and emphasized on resting in faith, but what I recieved from God was forgiviness. From the stories she told from her life and the forgiviness she has given and recieved toward those who have hurt her and she has hurt which, were so much worse than anything that I have been through spoke volumes to me. She spoke briefly about forgiviness and said that no where in the Bible does it talk about forgiving yourself. Which is true. That is something pyschologist made up. If you say you can't forgive yourself, then you still don't believe in God's forgiviness. Priscella Shirer was hilarious and encouraging! She spoke on Ephesians 3:20 about how God is ABLE to do BEYOND BEYOND anything we could hope for or imagine! But what stuck with me the most was when she talked about a women that wrote her and said she can't stand that God CAN, but WON'T. To which a response was given to her that we either TRUST GOD or we DON'T. We need to believe that no matter if God gives us what we ask for or not His promise still stands true in Jeremiah 21:11, that He has a plan, not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future! Beth Moore talked about discernment and how the Power of the Holy Spirit works within us and how to have the power to do what we can not do, but what the Holy Spirit can do. That it is only through intimacy with God that we have discernment and only through the Word of God that we know Him intimately. It was a wonderful conference and I met amazing people with world changing stories.

I also went to a dance competition in Orlando called JAMLANDO. It very enjoyable! I was able to see alot of people compete and one of our girls got third place in her first competition. As well as I saw my first jaw dropping performances by the judges. I had a wonderful time with my dance studio. They are all so funny and fun to dance with.

Remember: God does not jump ship once we disobey.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Follow your dreams

I am currently checking out an acting academy called "Hollywood Film and Acting Academy". They have a program that not only teaches improv, scene study and acting technique, but they provide housing, demo reel, headshots, show case, marketing and business classes in there 6 month program. It starts in November which seems to be perfect timing for me. I look at this as an opportunity that should be seized, but since I am being blessed with financial help, it is not up to me to decide.

I am so excited about this move. I truly believe it is going to be a life changing and growth improvement experience that I will never forget. The amount of peace I feel toward this upcoming journey is beyond words that I could explain. The ecstasy of joy that comes when you know in your heart you are following your dreams and being obedient to God is so real and what seems would be a heavy burden of finances, somehow becomes a light one. I trust God completely and I love it!

Trust your instincts, don't let others tell you, you can't or shouldn't do something. Only you know who you are.

Don't wish for your dreams to come, follow them!

living wide awake,
Nikki

What do we really want?

Ever since I went to the Beth Moore conference a few weeks ago I am continually reminded of what she said about what we really want. "If you say you want something, but don't do what it takes to get it, you don't really want it." An obvious observation. However, how many times do we say I want this, OH! I really want to do that and never do what it takes to get it! I have been thinking about this a lot when it comes to my weight. I always say I WANT to lose weight, but the truth is I want to be skinny. Sounds like the same thing, but it's not. I want to wake up one day and be skinny and lose that 60 lbs overnight. I don't want to do the work to actually get there. I am usually ok with the fact that I am overweight, but then I look in my full body mirror every morning and think differently. I get the occational motivation to have self-control in this area and feel great about myself and then I get this crazy idea that I should reward myself with a bowl of ice cream and so the cycle begins. I know I will get the motivation someday. Real motivation, not the voice that says at the end of the night while your in bed that says tomorrow I will start to eat right and exercise. I no longer see that as motivation, but guilt from the mistake I made during the day when I ate that "granola bar" that was filled and covered in chocolate. That doesn't count.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Independent from Parents. Dependent on God

I have less than a month til a new season of life begins. I would be lying if I told you I was fearless and completely confident in my endeavoring. It is nerve racking leaving the dependence of a parent and seeking to make a life of your own. Responsibility is beginning to flood my mind with things that need to get done as well as what I need to do to get the things I need in order to conquer this world on my own (was that a run on sentence? did it even make sense?). I have been thinking about Jesus when He says we are to have child like faith and to cast our worries upon Him and make our request made known to Him. It has made me look at a child and there parent. They have no worries, no fears because they know there parents will take care of it, they only need to be obedient. It is the same with God, and we all know this, but rarely obey it. How easy life would be if we put this into practice. However, we all make mistakes and want to have control of our own life. This is my prayer above all else. That I would depend and rely on God completely! Being obedient to what He asks me to do.

The acting books I am reading continually remind you of how difficult it is to survive in LA and in show business. Majority of people give up after a few years. Somehow I feel like one of those people will not be me, but I am sure they thought the same. However, my ultimate goal is not to be rich. It's not that I would not want to be, it just not my reason for pursuing acting.

No matter what happens in this next season, I will be stronger having gone through it.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Tartuffe

I was reading the play Tartuffe and in the preface Jean-Baptiste Poquelin Moliere writes what I think are very profound words...

"I admit there have been times when comedy became corrupt. And what do men not corrupt everyday? There is nothing so innocent that men cannot turn it to crime; nothing so beneficial that its value cannot be reversed; nothing so good in itself that it cannot be put to bad uses...Philosophy is a gift of heaven; it has been given to us to bring us to the knowledge of a God by contemplating the wonders of nature; and yet we know that often it has been turned away from its function and has been used openly in support of impiety. Even the holiest of things are not immune from human corruption, and every day we see scoundrels who use and abuse piety, and wickedly make it serve the greatest of crimes. But this does not prevent one from making the necessary distinctions. We do not confuse in the same false inference the goodness of things that are corrupted with the wickedness of the corrupt..., and I wonder if it is not better to try to correct and moderate men's passions than to try to suppress them altogether."

It amazes me that he wrote this in the 1600's and yet it is still relevant to our world today.

If you have never read Tartuffe I encourage you to do so. It is a great play and very well written. How I would summarize it is in the preface of the play...
"Eight days after Tartuffe had been banned, a play called Scaramouche the Hermit was performed before the court; and the king, on his way out, said to this great prince: 'I should really like to know why the persons who make so much noise about Moliere's comedy do not say a work about Scaramouche.' To which the prince replied, 'It is because the comedy of Scaramouche makes fun of heaven and religion, which these gentlement do not care about at all, but that of Moliere makes fun of them, and that is what they cannot bear."

Hypocrites do not like to be shown there foolishness...

Vacaville.Faith.Dance

The excitement is finally sinking in on my move to California. I am going to move in with a great friend and her husband in there spare bedroom in Vacaville, CA which is northern California, but closer to LA then Florida. I am excited to live life with them for a small season. I am looking at acting schools in the area right now to see if there is any potential for me to study.

I share my faith with my ballroom dance instructor. It went better than I thought. He was very knowledgeable about the Bible, so it was easy to talk with him about my relationship with Jesus. I realized through talking with him how so many people in the church are religious and choose christianity as a hobby, instead of a your life. He was very encouraging. One of few outsiders that have told me I am different from everyone else. On the note of dance, I am also going to be in a group dance competition in Orlando that I am pumped and nervous about. We are doing a broadway number. Two songs, one of them being "All that Jazz".

Anyway, trusting God is so fulfilling and unburdensome...I love Him.

living wide awake,
Nikki

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD." Jeremiah 17:7