Why do I want to be an actor?

For Christmas break my teacher gave us a homework assignment, which was write about why you want to be an actor. I could go on and on about why I want to be an actor, but this is a small piece of how I feel and what I wrote for it. I also included pictures of the actors that have inspired me to be better and continue on this journey.

Why do I want to be an actor?

Ever since I was little I knew I was meant to perform. Every time I get on the platform, or shoot a short scene there is a sense of freedom. I feel free to be whoever I want to be without judgement or fear of rejection. When I finally let go, I loose myself in a part of me I never realized before. There is a sense of discovery of self. I have been inspired and positively affect by movies, by the deliverance of the actor. I want to do that for those who watch films. Films inspire, change, and cause people to dream and sometimes escape into something bigger than there reality of life. I want to make a difference with every part I play. I want people to be able to identify with me as I entertain them, all the while as I free myself to be whoever I am playing. There is nothing else I want to do in this world than be an actor. There is no option B. This is my destiny, no matter how cliche' that may seem. I will do whatever it takes to be great at what I love to do...act!



Nicole Kidman

Bette Midler


Meryl Streep & Philip Seymour Hoffman

Marion Cotillard

Kate Winslet

living wide awake,
Nikki

just thoughts...

Funny, how easily we forget how to see God in this world. It has been difficult for me to see Him in Los Angeles. A place filled with plastic hearts and faces. People who have never been here think they know what I am talking about. They have no idea. Everywhere you look, you see those with plenty and those with nothing, but the rich and poor man have at least one thing in common: Emptiness. I went out last night to a couple clubs. Saw Denis Quad and his band rock the stage, but that is beside the point. It made me sad to see everyone in the room is striving for some kind of fulfillment, but what they really want, they are afraid to go after. We fear the things we want the most. Which is why I think we never go after the things we really want. We are afraid of wanting something so bad, getting it and then getting it taken all away. I felt that way about acting for a while. I wanted it so bad, but I was afraid that God would take it away from me right when I was getting into it and making a living with it. But my fear of regret out weighted my fear of rejection. As humans we are all driven by the things we fear whether it be in a good or bad way. We don't sin, because we fear God. We don't get close to people because we fear rejection and so on and so on.

People here are so different than my usual crowd. I am learning through my mistakes of course, that no matter what your intention is in you asking questions to get to know them and there life it is being nosey. If you know me, you know I am not one thats good at shallow weather talk. A simple question in my mind, can scare a person and destroy a relationship. When my intention is to care and know someone. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut at all times. It's not really working...So much of what is to be good, ends being bad in the minds of those who do not know the heart of God. Everyone on earth has a sense of feeling attacked by man kind. I am one of them. We all are, whether we realize it or not. But some of us have moments and we get rid of our victim mindset and become overcomers and conquers in this world. Those times when the Holy Spirit takes control of our lives. Where the power of forgiveness and unconditional love consumes us. But we are still human, still flayed. Thank God he knows what He is doing, because I sure don't and my uncertainty allows room for the certainty of God.

These are just thoughts. Maybe there is some truth in them. Eat the meat, spit out the bones.

living wide awake,

Nikki

persecuted

I have been thinking about this verse these past couple of days.

Matthew 5:10-12

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

1 Corinthians 4:12 "...when we are persecuted, we endure it"

I have read these verses over and over again through my short period of life and it wasn't until recently that I understood them. I didn't understand why I should rejoice when people talk crap about me because of God. That's great that I have a reward in heaven when I get there, but what about now. I don't want to live my life on earth in persecution waiting for something that I am uncertain when I will receive it. But, as I go through this in my life right now. I read this verse and think God is saying exactly what it says, but also that I can rejoice in the satisfaction that God is going to take care of it. That He is taking the responsibility of it all. He is taking the persecution upon himself and giving His children peace and grace to rest and know that this fight is not against you, but Him and will not allow his children to be brought into the middle of it. Is this making sense? It is so hard to believe this sometimes.

We are to endure it, not fix it. Satan uses us to try to get to God. Satan brings us into the middle of this battle to destroy all that is good, and God ALWAYS flips it around. He uses us for His good. It is so reassuring and at the same time hard as hell to allow God to do what He does best.

This is not our fight. It is His, let Him do it. God knows what needs to be done to win this battle. He has it all planned out. We are his ambassadors and servants as He takes us through the war zone to the promise land.

I hope this makes sense. I think some of it is getting lost in translation.

living wide awake,

Nikki

Update...

The art of acting is a journey into discovery, if that makes any sense at all to you. You have to enter into every role allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable and to go to the core of who you are no matter how ugly, tarnished or painful it maybe for you. The more I learn about acting, the stronger desire I have to do it. It is the beauty of humanity through brokenness and it is for the world to see. I am discovering all new parts of me that I never new were there and am dealing with things in my life that I never thought were there. It's painful, but I love it. I love the authenticity that acting brings out of me alone and in front of 15 eye balls every morning in class. There is nothing on earth that I would rather be doing. I am not only learning how to act in front of a camera, but in life and learning to be ok with who I am and not give a fuck what anybody else thinks (excuse my french, it was purely for shock value and to get my point clearly across, don't worry I have not fallen away). It's hard and painful, but I am so grateful.

I was stuggling alot with acting becoming an idol in my life. Nothing God was convicting me of, just my own fears. Someone said, I think it was Meryl Streep, but I am a little unsure. They said when you get married to something like acting you give it everything. Something like that, and it's true. I have never been married, but that is how I feel toward my commitment to it. I am determined and committed to accomplish my goals as an actor. I won't settle for less. I will do whatever it takes, HELP ME GOD!

I have been editing my scene from a few weeks ago. The guy I did it with was editing it, but then decided he didn't want to be an actor and went back to his hometown. This will be my first. It is coming along, but very slowly due to my perfectionism with it. I am hoping to have it done and up on youtube in a week or so.

I am working on another scene that I thought would be a peice of cake. However, I was very wrong. It is takng all of me and its exhausting, but again I LOVE IT! :)

I did my first audition a week and a half ago. I didn't get the part I auditioned for, but they liked me so much, they gave me a different part. We are filming on Friday. Short notice, but I have grace. I am also auditioning for a feature film the school is doing on Friday, so it will be a long day, but a good day.

Hopefully, I won't wait so long until my next post.

living wide awake

Nikki