just thoughts...

Funny, how easily we forget how to see God in this world. It has been difficult for me to see Him in Los Angeles. A place filled with plastic hearts and faces. People who have never been here think they know what I am talking about. They have no idea. Everywhere you look, you see those with plenty and those with nothing, but the rich and poor man have at least one thing in common: Emptiness. I went out last night to a couple clubs. Saw Denis Quad and his band rock the stage, but that is beside the point. It made me sad to see everyone in the room is striving for some kind of fulfillment, but what they really want, they are afraid to go after. We fear the things we want the most. Which is why I think we never go after the things we really want. We are afraid of wanting something so bad, getting it and then getting it taken all away. I felt that way about acting for a while. I wanted it so bad, but I was afraid that God would take it away from me right when I was getting into it and making a living with it. But my fear of regret out weighted my fear of rejection. As humans we are all driven by the things we fear whether it be in a good or bad way. We don't sin, because we fear God. We don't get close to people because we fear rejection and so on and so on.

People here are so different than my usual crowd. I am learning through my mistakes of course, that no matter what your intention is in you asking questions to get to know them and there life it is being nosey. If you know me, you know I am not one thats good at shallow weather talk. A simple question in my mind, can scare a person and destroy a relationship. When my intention is to care and know someone. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut at all times. It's not really working...So much of what is to be good, ends being bad in the minds of those who do not know the heart of God. Everyone on earth has a sense of feeling attacked by man kind. I am one of them. We all are, whether we realize it or not. But some of us have moments and we get rid of our victim mindset and become overcomers and conquers in this world. Those times when the Holy Spirit takes control of our lives. Where the power of forgiveness and unconditional love consumes us. But we are still human, still flayed. Thank God he knows what He is doing, because I sure don't and my uncertainty allows room for the certainty of God.

These are just thoughts. Maybe there is some truth in them. Eat the meat, spit out the bones.

living wide awake,

Nikki