Nikki's Blog

Come up here...

2011-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since, I last wrote on here. A little update. I am a few months well into my schooling. I am enjoying it a lot. Have learned a lot about graphic design and how to use Adobe photoshop and Illustrator to my advantage. It's funny to me when people ask me what I am studying and then want to spend majority of the conversation talking about web design and development. To which I am glad to do. However, for me what I am going to school for is just a means to an end. I enjoy design and creating new things. But, deep down I have come to realize that my desire is to see people come to know the Truth. To be apart of someones heart turning from darkness to light is the most fulfilling thing I have ever had the honor to be apart of. I have come to realize that my desire is to not only have God meet me where I am, but to bring me up to where He is. Like Moses in Exodus 24 when God told him to come up to Him on Mount Sinai and God revealed His heart to His people or John in Revelation 4 when God told him to come up to him and He would show Him what will happen after this. I believe it is when God meets us that He tends to our deepest needs, but it is when we go up to Him that He reveals His heart.

This week, I want to make a point to go up and meet Him, to hear His heart.

I hope you will do the same and find that your relationship with Him has only gotten closer. And hopefully like this ridiculous picture, you will be able to take the escalator. ;-)

Blessings,
Nikki

1/365 Project

2011-02-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

A few friends and I are participating in the 365 Project, which is where I will attempting to post a photo a day. Now, my friends are all very photography savy with there cool Canon and Nikon high tech camera. I however will proudly be sporting a Blackberry Tour. Maybe, sometime during the year I will advance to an IPhone or Android, but for now it will be my faithful Blackberry.

The reason is because I never take pictures and wish I had when all is said and done. This will allow me to look back on this year with fond memories and committing to something for a year is always a good discpline. I might not always get to post my pictures on my blog, but you can always check them out on my facebook.

1/365

It was my friend Carol Huston's birthday yesterday!

love.
Nikki

my God box

2011-01-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

Last night I just so happen to be thinking about God. I was thinking about I have put God in this box called my perception. As a young one I am sure I thought God could do anything, but as I hit puberty and my sense of everything in the world is wonderful quickly faded I started putting God in this box. It started as a small box and then as I grew up year after year I would think "I am getting rid of my box!!" and I will from now on see God as a mystery (to which He is), but I wasn't getting rid of my box, I was just making a bigger box. my box contains silly little things that I use to take as absolute. One that I was thinking of specificly is that kissing for longer than 3 seconds is bad, or voting democrat is bad, or cursing is bad etc. etc. and because of my wonderful little co-dependant brain I believed every word of it was true.

We all grow up with these boxes and they are formed in the beginning by our parents and whatever they say is truth. But as we grow older, we break away from some of those truths and have our own. But of course, this doesn't happen until we are angry and bitter at our parents for being so closed-minded for a short period of time or maybe forever (everyone is different). I still put God in my box sometimes and every once in a while I get a burst of revelation that God is bigger than my perception.

He is a mystery.

2011 Blog update

2011-01-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

If you have visited my site before you will notice that it has changed. You are used to seeing updates about my "acting career" to which I am at this moment in my life no longer pursuing. Only God knows what the future holds and I am fine with keeping it that way. Today, I am going to be attending school at Full Sail University Online getting a BA in Web Design & Developement. Please don't ask me why, but, if you must know then email me. I start Jan 31st. I will be updating this whenever I feel like it, which will hopefully happen at least once a month. If you would like to hear how I am doing with school or my perception on God, politics and entertainment feel free to tune in.

Rock on!

Nikki

words without action are meaningless.

2010-07-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

My entire life, I have been a traveler. I was the child that couldn't wait to leave my town, state, even country. While others were home sick, I was soaking up every moment I had away from "normal life". I still have this mentality. I love to see new things, experience knew people and be apart of something that is not my norm. However, I am realizing today that I runaway. I runaway from life's issues, and I think if I change my circumstances or my geographic that somehow when I return, things will have changed, I will have changed. I look for experiences to change me. And while I am not saying that experiences can't change you. I am realizing that I try to address everything in my life besides the problem. I attempt to go around the mountain to avoid a treacherous hike. a painful recovery. "no pain, no gain". But without pain there is no victory. You can not have one without the other. And I believe until you feel your pain and let it go, you will not have victory. I have this tendency to hold on to pain, hurt, betrayal. Why? Because, it is something that I have power over. I have power over my anger and resentment and if I let that go, I become powerless. I also believe that freedom does not come without humility or freedom does not come without powerlessness. My freedom and victory will come from me letting go of my pride and letting the blood of Christ wash away my sin. Is it not so easy to say wash away my sin with your blood. I am tired of saying it. I want to believe it. I want to live it. I am tired of my words, of my unfulfilled promises that I make to God, others and myself. What good are words to the rebellious heart. I want to live in repentance. To walk in spirit filled obedience and submission to God.

but then again...these are just words.

life...

2010-05-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

The life of LA is a draining, stressful process. I am here because I have to be. Because this is what I am called to do right now, at this present moment. I understand now why so many actors leave this town everyday. It gets so unbearable to strive for success in the entertainment industry. I don't know how people do it without the Lord in there life and can understand why they turn to drugs, sex and alcohol. They are searching for something satisfying when everything else seems like it is falling apart. Few learn there is only One who satisfies our hunger and thirst for pleasure. I am going home next month and am so happy to go! I miss my family so much! I don't think I have ever missed them this much or have been more thankful for them in my life ever! I would not be here in LA, if not for my family walking beside me and believing in what seems impossible for me to achieve. I am ready for a refreshing break with the ones I love and not having to pay to park is a major bonus! :)

living wide awake,
Nikki

2010-05-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

Quick Update:

Still filming on HUGE in the background
About to film a feature film this month
Shooting another film this summer
Joined a Union: AFTRA

living wide awake,

Nikki

HUGE

2010-04-11T23:56:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in ages. I guess you could say I have been busy. As we speak I am exhausted and am dreading the event of getting up and brushing my teeth. I even thought about not writing, but I have been putting it off for so long.

I got a call from casting asking me to work on a new t.v. series "Huge" for ABC Family. It is only as an extra in the background, but I get paid for it. I am hoping for a line, actually I am hoping for a series regular character.

It's funny to me sometimes how God tells me things and I believe Him. He told me I was going to be on this show about a month ago. I hadn't received a call from them in so long, but somehow I still believed He was going to get me on and He did. Not the way I wanted Him to, but He was still faithful, as always. He can't go against Himself.

The Holy Spirit reminded me today that we are all instruments of worship. We were created to worship. It boggles my mind that just existing and abiding is worship to God. That I don't have to do anything. Just being consumed by the Spirit is worship. That I am worshiping God while I brush my teeth, take a nap, browse facebook ;-) whatever it is, because of the Holy Spirit inside of us we are instruments of worship that never stop speaking His name, our very breathe speaks out His name. wow. I feel like I am still a baby. Oh, that God would trust me to reach in and seek out the deepest parts of His heart.

P.S. check out "Huge" on June 28th at 9:00pm and see if I am in the background. :)

living in the light of Christ

2010-02-09T15:07:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what is going on in my life right now, and I am okay with that. Which is very weird for me. I like to be in control of everything in my life. I worry so much about life and what is right and what is wrong. Should I do this or should I do that. Should I go here or should I go there. I think so much about what I should do so much that I end up doing nothing. I am learning to just do it! Just let go of the past, let go of your fears and insecurities and be who you know you are. I live with a bunch of people that I care about very much, however they do not believe the same things I do, nor do we have the same convictions. However, despite the circumstances I have been placed in, my convictions stand the same. I had this fear that if I did this or did that or hung out with these types of people, I would forget where I came from and forget who the glory and honor belongs to. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much the Holy Spirit was evident in my life. For example, I went to a superbowl party at a bar and people were apologizing when they cursed around me and I had said nothing of my belief in God. It made me realize how much of a light one follower of Christ can be. Actions really are more powerful than words. Please, do not take this as me being self-righteous, I make mistakes daily and in no way am I perfect. I am a sinner, becoming sanctified in Christ.

I hope you are encouraged by this. I think so many times people think they sin and God is disappointed in us and doesn't want to talk to us. That is untrue. We do something wrong and he disciplines us in a way that is beneficial for our growth and His glory. He accepts us just as we are and knows we will fall. He is there to keep it from happening more often than not. Our struggle with the flesh is a daily battle and He knows that.

I don't know what I am saying anymore. this is the end.

living wide awake.
Nikki

Chatue Marmont

2010-01-26T03:43:00.000-08:00

Alot has happened this past month or so. I got a knew roommate and made a few friends with the new peeps at the school. I decided to stay at the school for another few months and I met Marion Cotillard. So all in all, I can't really complain. The job search is still a struggle, but I am working on it, but not hard enough obviously. I think I am fearful of not accomplishing my goal of acting if I get a "day job". I have sent out headshots to a few agencies and casting directors for different tv/film roles and have heard nothing back. Which I expected. I got more headshots and am going to be sending more out soon. It is difficult and discouraging, but its worth it to me at the end of the day. I love acting, I can't quit. That's just not an option. I am so thankful for my family who have been so supportive in helping me. I wouldn't be here in LA if it weren't for them. I think, meeting Marion Cotillard after the night of Golden Globes gave me so much excitement and inspiration to just do it. To just put myself out there and do whatever it takes. It was a boost of confidence that I needed to get past a few fears. I truely believe becoming a successful working actor is all about opportunity and sacrifice. In the beginning actors have to make alot of sacrifices to get the oppurtunities they need. Which, I think is what alot of success is. I don't think I have ever met anyone who gained success without sacrifice. As people we don't know what we are getting until we have never had it.

I did a video audition for a role on abc family and I really want it! I know I could do it and I would really appreciate your prayers. Everything happens for a reason and I know God has my life plan in mind.

Anyway...

living wide awake,
Nikki

Why do I want to be an actor?

2009-12-30T19:19:00.000-08:00

For Christmas break my teacher gave us a homework assignment, which was write about why you want to be an actor. I could go on and on about why I want to be an actor, but this is a small piece of how I feel and what I wrote for it. I also included pictures of the actors that have inspired me to be better and continue on this journey.

Why do I want to be an actor?

Ever since I was little I knew I was meant to perform. Every time I get on the platform, or shoot a short scene there is a sense of freedom. I feel free to be whoever I want to be without judgement or fear of rejection. When I finally let go, I loose myself in a part of me I never realized before. There is a sense of discovery of self. I have been inspired and positively affect by movies, by the deliverance of the actor. I want to do that for those who watch films. Films inspire, change, and cause people to dream and sometimes escape into something bigger than there reality of life. I want to make a difference with every part I play. I want people to be able to identify with me as I entertain them, all the while as I free myself to be whoever I am playing. There is nothing else I want to do in this world than be an actor. There is no option B. This is my destiny, no matter how cliche' that may seem. I will do whatever it takes to be great at what I love to do...act!

Nicole Kidman

Bette Midler

Meryl Streep & Philip Seymour Hoffman

Marion Cotillard

Kate Winslet

living wide awake,
Nikki

just thoughts...

2009-12-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

Funny, how easily we forget how to see God in this world. It has been difficult for me to see Him in Los Angeles. A place filled with plastic hearts and faces. People who have never been here think they know what I am talking about. They have no idea. Everywhere you look, you see those with plenty and those with nothing, but the rich and poor man have at least one thing in common: Emptiness. I went out last night to a couple clubs. Saw Denis Quad and his band rock the stage, but that is beside the point. It made me sad to see everyone in the room is striving for some kind of fulfillment, but what they really want, they are afraid to go after. We fear the things we want the most. Which is why I think we never go after the things we really want. We are afraid of wanting something so bad, getting it and then getting it taken all away. I felt that way about acting for a while. I wanted it so bad, but I was afraid that God would take it away from me right when I was getting into it and making a living with it. But my fear of regret out weighted my fear of rejection. As humans we are all driven by the things we fear whether it be in a good or bad way. We don't sin, because we fear God. We don't get close to people because we fear rejection and so on and so on.

People here are so different than my usual crowd. I am learning through my mistakes of course, that no matter what your intention is in you asking questions to get to know them and there life it is being nosey. If you know me, you know I am not one thats good at shallow weather talk. A simple question in my mind, can scare a person and destroy a relationship. When my intention is to care and know someone. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut at all times. It's not really working...So much of what is to be good, ends being bad in the minds of those who do not know the heart of God. Everyone on earth has a sense of feeling attacked by man kind. I am one of them. We all are, whether we realize it or not. But some of us have moments and we get rid of our victim mindset and become overcomers and conquers in this world. Those times when the Holy Spirit takes control of our lives. Where the power of forgiveness and unconditional love consumes us. But we are still human, still flayed. Thank God he knows what He is doing, because I sure don't and my uncertainty allows room for the certainty of God.

These are just thoughts. Maybe there is some truth in them. Eat the meat, spit out the bones.

living wide awake,

Nikki

persecuted

2009-12-14T00:18:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about this verse these past couple of days.

Matthew 5:10-12

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

1 Corinthians 4:12 "...when we are persecuted, we endure it"

I have read these verses over and over again through my short period of life and it wasn't until recently that I understood them. I didn't understand why I should rejoice when people talk crap about me because of God. That's great that I have a reward in heaven when I get there, but what about now. I don't want to live my life on earth in persecution waiting for something that I am uncertain when I will receive it. But, as I go through this in my life right now. I read this verse and think God is saying exactly what it says, but also that I can rejoice in the satisfaction that God is going to take care of it. That He is taking the responsibility of it all. He is taking the persecution upon himself and giving His children peace and grace to rest and know that this fight is not against you, but Him and will not allow his children to be brought into the middle of it. Is this making sense? It is so hard to believe this sometimes.

We are to endure it, not fix it. Satan uses us to try to get to God. Satan brings us into the middle of this battle to destroy all that is good, and God ALWAYS flips it around. He uses us for His good. It is so reassuring and at the same time hard as hell to allow God to do what He does best.

This is not our fight. It is His, let Him do it. God knows what needs to be done to win this battle. He has it all planned out. We are his ambassadors and servants as He takes us through the war zone to the promise land.

I hope this makes sense. I think some of it is getting lost in translation.

living wide awake,

Nikki

Update...

2009-12-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

The art of acting is a journey into discovery, if that makes any sense at all to you. You have to enter into every role allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable and to go to the core of who you are no matter how ugly, tarnished or painful it maybe for you. The more I learn about acting, the stronger desire I have to do it. It is the beauty of humanity through brokenness and it is for the world to see. I am discovering all new parts of me that I never new were there and am dealing with things in my life that I never thought were there. It's painful, but I love it. I love the authenticity that acting brings out of me alone and in front of 15 eye balls every morning in class. There is nothing on earth that I would rather be doing. I am not only learning how to act in front of a camera, but in life and learning to be ok with who I am and not give a fuck what anybody else thinks (excuse my french, it was purely for shock value and to get my point clearly across, don't worry I have not fallen away). It's hard and painful, but I am so grateful.

I was stuggling alot with acting becoming an idol in my life. Nothing God was convicting me of, just my own fears. Someone said, I think it was Meryl Streep, but I am a little unsure. They said when you get married to something like acting you give it everything. Something like that, and it's true. I have never been married, but that is how I feel toward my commitment to it. I am determined and committed to accomplish my goals as an actor. I won't settle for less. I will do whatever it takes, HELP ME GOD!

I have been editing my scene from a few weeks ago. The guy I did it with was editing it, but then decided he didn't want to be an actor and went back to his hometown. This will be my first. It is coming along, but very slowly due to my perfectionism with it. I am hoping to have it done and up on youtube in a week or so.

I am working on another scene that I thought would be a peice of cake. However, I was very wrong. It is takng all of me and its exhausting, but again I LOVE IT! :)

I did my first audition a week and a half ago. I didn't get the part I auditioned for, but they liked me so much, they gave me a different part. We are filming on Friday. Short notice, but I have grace. I am also auditioning for a feature film the school is doing on Friday, so it will be a long day, but a good day.

Hopefully, I won't wait so long until my next post.

living wide awake

Nikki

environment

2009-11-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the feeling when you think you have just figured out your life and what it is you are to be and do, and then somehow you get turned all upside down and are confused again? Well, that is how I feel. I am learning that your environment can change you, that new experiences cause you to question things you used to take at face value. The differences between sin and what is permissable, permissable and beneficial. One thing we have to always remember and what I believe we can never forget is TRUTH. I do believe you can deceive yourself, but I also believe that deep down we know the truth when we hear and it never stops following us, no matter the choices we make in life. God never stops chasing us, fighting for us, loving us. He does not give up on us, we give up on Him. Some people talk about how God left them, when the truth of the matter is, you left God to fulfill your own desires. Funny how making mistakes can lead us back to the cross developing an even deeper connection with God. Remembering that nothing is more satisfying than intimacy with the Beloved.

filming

2009-11-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

I filmed my first scene this past week "Sheldon's number one fan" an adaptation of "Misery". It went well. I can't complain, it was my first. I will be uploading it on youtube this week. I am also filming another scene Tuesday with a fellow student. I am hoping it all goes well. I really do enjoy being here. It is so different from what I am used to, but I know God is working in ways I can not see. I trust Him. He is what keeps me going!

If you think of it please pray for me.

living wide awake,

Nikki

uncomprehensible love

2009-11-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

I was at church this past Sunday and this song brought me to tears, which hasn't happened in quite a while. The lyrics were a perfect painting of where my heart is right now.

Where can I go
Where can I run from You
You're everywhere

You know all my thoughts
You see through my ways
And still You come to me
And so I sing a love song to You
And so I sing a love song to You

From Heaven above
Earth down beneath
Your love rains down on me

You know all my thoughts
You see through my skin
And still You come to me
And so I sing a love song to You
And so I sing a love song to You

You walk on waves
You run with clouds
You paint the sky for me to see
Your majesty
Your majesty is why I sing

And this is a love song for You
And this is a love song for You
And this is a love song for You
And this is a love song for You

You walk on waves
You run with clouds
You paint the sky for me to see
Your majesty
Your majesty is why I sing

Yes it's all for You
In my life a love song to You
In my life a love song to You
Everything I do
In my life a love song to You
In my life a love song to You
In my life a love song to You

"Love Song" by Jason Morant

That God knows my thoughts, sees right through my skin and still comes to me is unfathomable to me right now. Such a great love that I am enough just as I am...a sinner, whore, adulterer, idolatrous, and His love is unshakable, never ending toward me. I do not have to earn this love, I have the ability to freely receive it unconditionally because of the blood of Jesus. ::Sigh:: Does that not mess you up? The gratefulness I have for my Beloved has no words only tears.

Is there a song that moves you so much that words don't do it justice. Tears are the only way to express the moment you experience with the Lord when you are overwhelmed with a love that you can not comprehend?

Find it, seek it and soak up His presences. He is coming to you, are you responding?

living wide awake,
Nikki

getting better

2009-11-03T01:09:00.000-08:00

Everyday is better than the last and I am beginning to enjoy the people I live with. They all have there faults, but who doesn't. The more I get to know them, the more joy they all bring me in there own way. A friend of ours took my headshots today. It wasn't shot in a professional studio with a high def camera and photographer, but it was free and will be fine for my first headshot. He hasn't edited them yet and I am already happy with them.

Another student and I are rehearsing a scene from the movie "Misery" to film professionally sometime next week. It has been really difficult, especially since we are both perfectionist when it comes to our work. People who say acting isn't work are stupid. I don't know how, but its draining...if you do it right.

I got involved in a church, Mosaic. I like it alot. I feel free to worship and express myself toward God. I got plugged into a small group and so we will see how it goes. :)

Tomorrow I am signing up for extra/background work.

Thanks for reading, stay tuned for more! :)

Living wide awake,
Nikki

p.s. sorry this post is not full of life, its 1:20am and I am tired. goodnight.

new place. new people. new life.

2009-10-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

With all the days I have spent IN Los Angeles it has been a little over a week and alot has happened, in my mind anyway...The second or third day I called my dad almost in tears because I hated it here. Several of the students were telling me there thoughts about the school we are attending and it influenced me greatly. Made me want to leave the school and study somewhere else. I soon realized that I need to stop listening to people that know nothing about the business and stick with my instincts and make connections with those who have experience in the business and KNOW what they are talking about.

The school isn't providing headshots until February. I was going to wait until then, but am going to get them sooner myself. I would rather miss class for an audition than attend class and get a minimum wage job I hate to just pay the bills. So, I am researching photographers and am signing up with an extra casting.

I looked up Mosaic church and started going to a small group near where I live with people my age who are all in the music or film industry. This week they went to see "Where the wild things are" for fun. They are starting the small group again next week. It was so refreshing to talk with people that love the Lord and that I have something in common with. I am going to Mosaic church for the first time tomorrow night. I am excited and ready to worship with other believers.

Last night, a couple of us went to a fellow class mates house to hang out. A girl approached me and asked me why I don't like to get drunk. Asked me if I was religious, a Christian? I said yes, but explained in further detail about my relationship with God. She went to tell me that she was the same way before she came to LA and was also a leader in the youth, but being around people that don't believe or live the same way has caused her to stumble. I encouraged her and told her I was struggling with temptation in several different areas myself. She is planning on come to church and the small group with me. I felt like a core advisor again, not in the fact that I was advising her in different areas of her life, but that I knew she wouldn't listen...haha. :) That is the Holy Spirits work!

I'm not gonna lie, it is hard! Scripture and my love for my Beloved is far more better than any earthly pleasures I could partake in for what would only last a moment. I am so thankful I have God, without Him I would really be NOTHING.

My prayer for you and myself is Psalm 86:11 "Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." Lord, give us an UNDIVIDED heart, that our eyes would be for only One!

living wide awake,
Nikki

The first week

2009-10-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since I last arrived in LA and it has been amazing! I had a couple classes and then Tuesday after class my dad and I drove to San Fran to visit my brother. He took us everywhere, including a 4 star restaurant for free where I ate the most delicious steak my mouth has ever tasted.

After spending 2 days with my dad and brother, I said my goodbyes and traveled to the Sacramento area to attend a bachelorette party and wedding for my good friend Meghan and her now husband Jared. It was phenomenal! I could talk non-stop about how great it was to party every night with people I adore.

Sunday I drove back to LA and was in bed by 7:30pm I was so exhausted from the drive and all the festivities. I woke up today for the first time in my new "home" for 5 more months. I had some much needed time with Jesus, attended scene study class, got lost on the metro and went searching for a job. I stopped at a couple places and am going to an open interview tomorrow at CPK. pray for me and wish me luck!

Well, I have lines to memorize so that is all for now....

living wide awake,
Nikki

First day in LA

2009-10-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

Well...I made it to Hollywood in 3 days. The most rushed road trip I have ever embarked on and I hope to never do it again. :) Several things I have learned from this trip...

1) never rush a road trip
2) lack of sleep and long hours of driving cause one to have the attitude of the devil
3) stretch every time you exit the car
4) fill up on gas when on bathroom breaks to prevent more stops than necessary
5) If you ever want to know the good, the bad and the ugly of a person take them on a road trip
etc...

I arrived in LA on Sunday around 6ish and met up with my Dad's friend Eric who is a film and sound editing teacher at UCLA. He knows the area very well and told me several restaurants, theaters and events I should check out. He also took us to an amazing Thai restaurant called Thai Pepper. It was DELICIOUS!

I had my first day of class today. It was good. We looked over a portion of a script and did a mock audition. I was told it was good for my first read....do they all say that? :/ My teacher is a producer and former actor. She was on Punky Brewster and Family Matters (Cheri Johnson). She also has a safe house for young kids, and is taking the class on Wednesday to feed the homeless. I will not be able to attend, which is very unfortunate. Hopefully it won't be the last time.

I have walked so much today, my legs are having a difficult time functioning correctly. I saw my first famous star tonight at the Kodak Theater: Eva Longoria. She is just as beautiful in person as she is on T.V. maybe even prettier.

It is not emotionally easy to follow your dreams. I truly believe without my relationship with Christ, I would not have had the confidence or the guts to come here. I am glad I did! How I would describe this change is like your first day of high school. You are not sure what's going on and are scared to death of what the year will look like, but you continue to go everyday cause you know its what you should do. Following our dreams and what we are called to is in my opinion very similar. So keep going despite your emotions because a lot of me is saying pack up and go back to where I came from.

living wide awake,
Nikki

the places we go...

2009-10-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

I got accepted into the "Hollywood Film and Acting Academy". I had the option of starting the September program late or joining in January, I decided to join the September group late and am glad to do so. The program gives free housing to students, so now all I need to do is find a job, which from what I am hearing from the school is easier than it is down here. I have a good feeling about finding a job. I'm not worried.

I thought I might talk about the places we go in life and how that can impact our lives...I was talking with a new friend of mine tonight and she was talking with me about the different places she has gone and every place she visited had a part in shaping who she is today. The same goes for me: Costa Rica, Bolivia, Texas, Panama, all the places in which I have visited for more than a 2 week time period has shaped me into who I am today, but it probably has to do with the people I encountered in those places not necessarily the street signs, jungles and country side. Anyway, one place the I would love to travel to is Italy. I was at a cafe today called "Cafe Duomo" with Italian workers and I loved everything about them. There accent, language, hospitality, cookies, coffee, food. It is all so beautiful! Some day I will go, maybe even film a movie there. ;-)

(you know you want to be on one of them boats!)

Well, I am going to do what I always do when I am down about leaving my friends, family and need inspiration: watch a Meryl Streep movie. Tonight is a new one..."...First Do No Harm".

If you have never left the "comfort" of you home state or country, I highly encourage you to do so. Get up the courage to get a passport and go on the adventure of what could be your life. Don't sit around and wait for your desires to come true, cause it won't happen. Get off your butt and go live the life you know you were created for!

living wide awake,
Nikki

the people you meet...

2009-10-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the quote that was stated in my profile "It's about the people you meet, the places you go, and the books you read." and it is so true! People, places and books can change your life, at least in mine they have. I think back during my time in Texas and even now where those three things have effected who I am today. In case you haven't noticed I am a people person. I love people. I love finding out who someone really is. What experiences have they gone through to become the person they are right now and then seeing the beauty of their life! :)

I take ballroom dance lessons at a studio near my house and I adore some of the people there. There have been few people in my life that I have encountered in such a short period of time and felt instantly connected with like I do with them. They are so dear to my heart and words could not describe how much I have appreciated them during this season of my life. Each one of them is beautiful in there own unique way and it is a joy to see them.

Relationships are so valuable, but how many of us don't take the time to really invest in them? We are too busy...It takes too much work...I'm tired and it's too draining, but you know deep down that when you actually do it, you reap so much joy and it was worth the work.

Remember: It's about the people you meet, the places you go and the books you read.

Maybe tomorrow I will talk about the places we go...maybe. :)

living wide awake,
Nikki

bye bye baby

2009-09-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to the baby girl I nanny. That was hard for me. This whole process is beginning to become emotionally very sad. I feel as though it is all come by so fast. I am not doing well with saying goodbye and I used to be so good at them. I used to be so emotionally unattached, I would have to make myself cry in order for people to see that I really do care for them. I have made few, but deep relationships this time around and I am sad to let them go. If you know me, you know I don't do well with shallow relationships, they make me feel awkward and uncomfortable which is usually the opposite for most. Anyway, I am getting a little bit of cold feet. My emotions are screaming to stay and get a regular 9 to 5 job so I can live on my own and start a life here, but my soul is telling me otherwise. It's true how our emotions crowd our judgment. Our emotions can keep us from making decisions that would change our lives for the better. I am more of a do what you feel type woman, but sometimes reason out weighs feelings. Most would probably think opposite in my case, that it is wise to stay and crazy to go. Brendan Francis said "Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us through them." My fear is tissue paper thin and I know this step to GO is courageous and WILL carry me through as I trust in God completely. Don't let your feelings and emotion crowd your judgment. Fear was not meant to be lived with but overcome. Whatever it is you might be going through, keep going, trust in God and you will OVERCOME! We were not created to survive, but to conquer!

YOU ARE A CONQUEROR!

Remember.... "Courage is rarely reckless or foolish...courage usually involves a highly realistic estimate of the odds that must be faced." - Margaret Truman, daughter of President Harry Truman

living wide awake,
Nikki

act. dance. trust

2009-09-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

I sent in my application into the Hollywood Film and Acting Academy today. I am hoping all goes well and I am able to enroll. I trust the Lord to work it all out in His way and His timing. This may sound weird to some, but I was talking with Him today and I felt Him tell me that wherever I choose to go, He will be there by my side.

I take ballroom dance lessons at Arthur Murray Dance Studio, I have been attending since early summer and I love it. Not only learning, but the instructors. I have learned so much from them, and not just about dancing. Respect for my body and for the opposite sex. Trust! That word keeps coming back into my life. Its so important and so vital in relationships, not just for them, but for you! It causes us to be vulnerable, which some would see as weak, but somehow when we put our trust in God or someone we love, we become so much stronger in all areas of our lives. Even if our trust is broken, it is through it that we became stronger. Is this making sense?

Anyway, maybe a challenge for you this week is to put your trust in someone. Maybe its your spouse, friend, God, whoever.

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” - Walter Anderson

DANG! THAT'S DEEP! :)

living wide awake,
Nikki

learn.dance.laugh

2009-09-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend was great! Much needed discipleship and fellowship with others. I started the weekend off with going to a Womens Conference called "Deeper Still" with Beth Moore , Kay Arthur and Priscilla Shirer. I have been to several conferences (at least 3 a year) and have heard hundreds of Christian Speaker and this was by far the best one I have been too. These women knew the truth and spoke of it boldly. I could go on forever about what they talked about, so I will just tell you one thing I learned from each of them. Kay Arthur spoke from Hebrews and emphasized on resting in faith, but what I recieved from God was forgiviness. From the stories she told from her life and the forgiviness she has given and recieved toward those who have hurt her and she has hurt which, were so much worse than anything that I have been through spoke volumes to me. She spoke briefly about forgiviness and said that no where in the Bible does it talk about forgiving yourself. Which is true. That is something pyschologist made up. If you say you can't forgive yourself, then you still don't believe in God's forgiviness. Priscella Shirer was hilarious and encouraging! She spoke on Ephesians 3:20 about how God is ABLE to do BEYOND BEYOND anything we could hope for or imagine! But what stuck with me the most was when she talked about a women that wrote her and said she can't stand that God CAN, but WON'T. To which a response was given to her that we either TRUST GOD or we DON'T. We need to believe that no matter if God gives us what we ask for or not His promise still stands true in Jeremiah 21:11, that He has a plan, not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future! Beth Moore talked about discernment and how the Power of the Holy Spirit works within us and how to have the power to do what we can not do, but what the Holy Spirit can do. That it is only through intimacy with God that we have discernment and only through the Word of God that we know Him intimately. It was a wonderful conference and I met amazing people with world changing stories.

I also went to a dance competition in Orlando called JAMLANDO. It very enjoyable! I was able to see alot of people compete and one of our girls got third place in her first competition. As well as I saw my first jaw dropping performances by the judges. I had a wonderful time with my dance studio. They are all so funny and fun to dance with.

Remember: God does not jump ship once we disobey.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Follow your dreams

2009-09-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am currently checking out an acting academy called "Hollywood Film and Acting Academy". They have a program that not only teaches improv, scene study and acting technique, but they provide housing, demo reel, headshots, show case, marketing and business classes in there 6 month program. It starts in November which seems to be perfect timing for me. I look at this as an opportunity that should be seized, but since I am being blessed with financial help, it is not up to me to decide.

I am so excited about this move. I truly believe it is going to be a life changing and growth improvement experience that I will never forget. The amount of peace I feel toward this upcoming journey is beyond words that I could explain. The ecstasy of joy that comes when you know in your heart you are following your dreams and being obedient to God is so real and what seems would be a heavy burden of finances, somehow becomes a light one. I trust God completely and I love it!

Trust your instincts, don't let others tell you, you can't or shouldn't do something. Only you know who you are.

Don't wish for your dreams to come, follow them!

living wide awake,
Nikki

What do we really want?

2009-09-12T18:00:00.001-07:00

Ever since I went to the Beth Moore conference a few weeks ago I am continually reminded of what she said about what we really want. "If you say you want something, but don't do what it takes to get it, you don't really want it." An obvious observation. However, how many times do we say I want this, OH! I really want to do that and never do what it takes to get it! I have been thinking about this a lot when it comes to my weight. I always say I WANT to lose weight, but the truth is I want to be skinny. Sounds like the same thing, but it's not. I want to wake up one day and be skinny and lose that 60 lbs overnight. I don't want to do the work to actually get there. I am usually ok with the fact that I am overweight, but then I look in my full body mirror every morning and think differently. I get the occational motivation to have self-control in this area and feel great about myself and then I get this crazy idea that I should reward myself with a bowl of ice cream and so the cycle begins. I know I will get the motivation someday. Real motivation, not the voice that says at the end of the night while your in bed that says tomorrow I will start to eat right and exercise. I no longer see that as motivation, but guilt from the mistake I made during the day when I ate that "granola bar" that was filled and covered in chocolate. That doesn't count.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Independent from Parents. Dependent on God

2009-09-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

I have less than a month til a new season of life begins. I would be lying if I told you I was fearless and completely confident in my endeavoring. It is nerve racking leaving the dependence of a parent and seeking to make a life of your own. Responsibility is beginning to flood my mind with things that need to get done as well as what I need to do to get the things I need in order to conquer this world on my own (was that a run on sentence? did it even make sense?). I have been thinking about Jesus when He says we are to have child like faith and to cast our worries upon Him and make our request made known to Him. It has made me look at a child and there parent. They have no worries, no fears because they know there parents will take care of it, they only need to be obedient. It is the same with God, and we all know this, but rarely obey it. How easy life would be if we put this into practice. However, we all make mistakes and want to have control of our own life. This is my prayer above all else. That I would depend and rely on God completely! Being obedient to what He asks me to do.

The acting books I am reading continually remind you of how difficult it is to survive in LA and in show business. Majority of people give up after a few years. Somehow I feel like one of those people will not be me, but I am sure they thought the same. However, my ultimate goal is not to be rich. It's not that I would not want to be, it just not my reason for pursuing acting.

No matter what happens in this next season, I will be stronger having gone through it.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Tartuffe

2009-09-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

I was reading the play Tartuffe and in the preface Jean-Baptiste Poquelin Moliere writes what I think are very profound words...

"I admit there have been times when comedy became corrupt. And what do men not corrupt everyday? There is nothing so innocent that men cannot turn it to crime; nothing so beneficial that its value cannot be reversed; nothing so good in itself that it cannot be put to bad uses...Philosophy is a gift of heaven; it has been given to us to bring us to the knowledge of a God by contemplating the wonders of nature; and yet we know that often it has been turned away from its function and has been used openly in support of impiety. Even the holiest of things are not immune from human corruption, and every day we see scoundrels who use and abuse piety, and wickedly make it serve the greatest of crimes. But this does not prevent one from making the necessary distinctions. We do not confuse in the same false inference the goodness of things that are corrupted with the wickedness of the corrupt..., and I wonder if it is not better to try to correct and moderate men's passions than to try to suppress them altogether."

It amazes me that he wrote this in the 1600's and yet it is still relevant to our world today.

If you have never read Tartuffe I encourage you to do so. It is a great play and very well written. How I would summarize it is in the preface of the play...
"Eight days after Tartuffe had been banned, a play called Scaramouche the Hermit was performed before the court; and the king, on his way out, said to this great prince: 'I should really like to know why the persons who make so much noise about Moliere's comedy do not say a work about Scaramouche.' To which the prince replied, 'It is because the comedy of Scaramouche makes fun of heaven and religion, which these gentlement do not care about at all, but that of Moliere makes fun of them, and that is what they cannot bear."

Hypocrites do not like to be shown there foolishness...

Vacaville.Faith.Dance

2009-09-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

The excitement is finally sinking in on my move to California. I am going to move in with a great friend and her husband in there spare bedroom in Vacaville, CA which is northern California, but closer to LA then Florida. I am excited to live life with them for a small season. I am looking at acting schools in the area right now to see if there is any potential for me to study.

I share my faith with my ballroom dance instructor. It went better than I thought. He was very knowledgeable about the Bible, so it was easy to talk with him about my relationship with Jesus. I realized through talking with him how so many people in the church are religious and choose christianity as a hobby, instead of a your life. He was very encouraging. One of few outsiders that have told me I am different from everyone else. On the note of dance, I am also going to be in a group dance competition in Orlando that I am pumped and nervous about. We are doing a broadway number. Two songs, one of them being "All that Jazz".

Anyway, trusting God is so fulfilling and unburdensome...I love Him.

living wide awake,
Nikki

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD." Jeremiah 17:7

Risk...Trust

2009-08-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

There have been two words that I have constantly been hearing this past week. Trust and Risk. It seems everywhere I go I am reminded of these words. It could also be the fact that I am reading the book Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, that is rocking my world. I attended a Beth Moore conference via stimulcast where she read Psalm 37, which talks a lot about delighting and trusting in God. The barista at Starbucks talked about taking risks when it comes to your future and what you want (she had no idea of my plans). Then tonight at church we had Brian Houston from Hillsong Australia speak and he spoke about taking risks and being unconventionl. Today, was a day of confirmation for me going to California. It seems the closer I get to leaving, the more my family is trying to get me to stay longer. They believe it is wiser to make more money so I won't have to "worry" about it. It's funny, cause I don't believe I have ever worried about that. The thing I find myself worried about the most is the right timing, but even that I know God is more powerful than time. I can make my plans, but I know He will determine my steps. I understand where they are coming from. They want me to be ok, but I want to live a life of adventure!

Risk does not come without trust. They are inseperable! To trust anyone is a risk we all have to take and in my very short inexperienced life I look back at my most amazing moments and my greatest adventures and they all involved taking the risk of trusting God completely!

Brian Houston said how I feel perfectly...
"If I lived out of the expectation of those who know me and my natural abilities, then I would not be living in the wonder of the unexpected. Out of a God encounter you can live in the unexpected wonder."

I will take risks and trust in God!

Psalm 37:25 says " I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."

He will not forsake me, nor will He leave me begging for bread.

living wide awake,
Nikki

Moving to California!

2009-08-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

I made a decision today, with the help of a very wise friend. I have decided to go to California in October. I think I just needed someone to say "Go! You are young and having nothing tying you down". She is right, and I am going to listen to her advise. The worst that can happen is I have to come back to Florida, which isn't that bad at all. Right now, I am still looking for contacts in LA, however I do have a place to stay in Sacramento if I am unable to find someone before I leave.

This is all exciting and nerve racking at the same time. I trust that God has it all under control and am excited to see His hand work in my life!

living wide awake,

Nikki

Live in Sacramento?

2009-08-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I was told by a very close friend that lives in Sacramento, CA that I could stay with her until I got a job and a place to stay in LA. I was thrilled, but when she told me that, I also felt fear. Fear of the lack of security I have here living at home, fear of doing the wrong thing, not finding a job, leaving my family and the little girl I nanny for that I have come to love and care for dearly.

As this is sinking in I'm having second thoughts on whether or not this is the right thing to do. The God thing to do. A part of me feels if I don't leave now, I'll never leave. A big part of me is thinking ahead to the fact that my Dad is not going to be able to financially support me forever and I want to be financially independent. I don't want to have to rely on my daddy for money anymore. I am 22 almost 23 years old. I should be preparing to go on my own and I feel this move would not help me, but push me out the door.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

The mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

living wide awake,
Nikki

A day of progress...?

2009-08-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday, I had an idea. I am attending a friends wedding in Sacramento, CA in October and was planning on flying to LA to check out the area, then renting a car and driving up to the wedding. Then, I thought why not just drive there and stay there? School hasn't started yet and I have the ability to pack up and leave if I choose to do so. That being said yesterday afternoon and today I have been calling and emailing friends that I could get connected with or people they know I could connect with if I did plan on moving to LA in October.

The plan is, if everything works out I will move in October. If it doesn't then it is not yet time for me to go. I am hoping it all works out, but I ultimately want what God wants and I know my plans are in His hands.

living wide awake,
Nikki

What is living wide awake?

2009-08-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can count how many times I have tried to start a blog and failed. I am not one who likes to talk about the weather, nor do I share deep things with everyone. However, I have aspirations and dreams and through this blog, I hope to maybe inspire others to follow there own dreams. Living wide awake came from the book "Wide Awake" by Erwin McManus. He writes about living your dreams wide awake. So many people have dreams, but so many are still sleeping and only wishing for those things to come true. We are called to live them!

I am currently a 22 year old student/part-time nanny with a dream to become a working actress/singer. Ever since I was between the ages of 5 and 7 I have had this dream. It all started with the film "Big Business" were my first inspiration came from Bette Midler. For a while I had the mindset that everyone wanted to become a famous actress and singer. Which, I later found out was not true. People want to be famous, not actors. What opened my eyes was one day at Barnes and Nobles this year. I read a quote that asked "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" Immediately "become an actress" was my first thought. Now, I am reading as many books on moving to LA and acting techniques, as well as taking improv and scene study classes. I soon plan on moving to LA. When, is entirely up to God.

This is my journey and I hope it to be a testimony of faith and inspiration to many.

living wide awake,

Nikki